Erin's Journal

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Just a thought... Take a leap of faith and begin this wondrous new year by believing. Believe in yourself. And believe that there is a loving Source - a Sower of Dreams - just waiting to be asked to help you make your dreams come true. [Sarah Ban Breathnach]

Here we are - beginning another year together in this quiet spot I call my journal and I want to thank you for making the time in this often hectic life to sit here with me for a few minutes nearly every day.
 
Was your holiday break a good one? Did you indulge a little too much and sleep as long as you wanted? I hope you did just the right amount of recharging your batteries to carry you through the winter months as we await longer days and whiffs of spring.
 
I was saddened to read of the passing of Jann Arden's mom, who suffered with Alzheimer's and whose slow fade into darkness had been so eloquently and honestly shared by her brave, funny and beautiful daughter. Although the lyrics to Jann's "Good Mother" have echoed through my mind this past week, twice I've been in places with music playing and heard her singing "Insensitive." Nice to be reminded that down here in the US they know a great Canadian singer when they play one. 
 
Speaking of mothers and daughters, I have to tell you how my 2019 began yesterday. After a midnight swim that followed just the right mixture of quiet reflection and channel flipping, I fell into a deep sleep that took me well past my usual 8:30 am awakening. And there's a reason why I didn't want to open my eyes: I had my first long dream of reuniting with Lauren since she left us in May of 2015.
 
In this dream, she came to visit as an adult in our MINI convertible with a girlfriend who was in her wedding party. In a house I didn't recognize, I couldn't leave Lauren's side; my late mom was in my dream, too, and at one point Mom, Dad and I were sharing cookies that Lauren had made with Brooke (the wife of Lauren's widower Phil). And Brooke - they were great! I broke off a piece with icing on it....
 
At one point I had to leave the room, I was crying with such joy to be with Lauren again. My mom didn't quite get why I was being so emotional and I knew I was being silly - Lauren was just back on a visit, is all, from her home in Ottawa - but you see, in real life, I was just the same: absolutely giddy when she would come for a night or two and stay under the same roof.
 
Except in this dream, my joy was extreme and, for some reason, so was the depth of my need to be at her side, stroking her arm, hugging her, sitting on a step (near a bush vibrant with bees and wasps, one of which ended up down the neck of my dress, but that I successfully fished out of the band of my underwear before it could sting). Ah, dreams....
 
This is how I started 2019. Awake from a dream where, towards the end, Lauren had knocked over and broken a champagne glass (that had a K etched on it) and in which, when I saw an envelope addressed to a media outlet, I mused that it couldn't be for her, as Lauren no longer worked there, having died. And that's kind of how the dream ended.
 
What does it all mean? Everything and nothing, I suppose. All I know is that it's the first significant reunion I've had with our girl, and I've been so hoping she'd visit in a dream. I recall offering to give her our car if she'd come back and live with us, then laughing, realizing she had her own life; that she had to be somewhere else. I would like to think she's pointing me towards the year ahead. And reminding me she is always, always at our side.
 
Happy 2019, my friend. Our dreams may not all come true, but sometimes it's enough just holding onto gratitude for what we have, what we had, and what lies ahead.
 
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