Erin's Journals

Just a thought… A happy life is not a life without struggle, it’s a life of meaningful struggle. [Mark Manson]

This is a day on the calendar that I always said, in my corny fashion, tells you what to do: March Forth! Of course, I’m using a homonym there, but bear with me; it sets the table for this week’s blog.

It was five years ago this week that this book came out (followed by soft cover in 2020) and went to #1 on the Globe and Mail non-fiction best-sellers’ list.

Like much of our lives, its publication and reception still feel like a dream, and one for which I will never stop being grateful. I was tempted to try to pitch a 5^th anniversary update, but you know most of them: my stint in rehab to try to get my self-medicating under control, and to deal with the reasons behind my drinking, the life-after-radio developments that include three podcasts, one of which has branched into video. They’re all accomplishments of which I’m proud and, again, extremely grateful.

But there was a little icing on my book’s fifth birthday cake last week, when this arrived in the mail.

Last year, a tweet alerted my Gracefully and Frankly podcast partner Lisa Brandt (also an author) and me to a program offered through the Canada Council for the Arts. It tallies how many times a writer’s work has been taken out or downloaded to read or listen to from the library and then provides compensation. I didn’t expect anything this year, and I was delighted to realize that people (like you) are still sharing in our story.

So I wanted not to take this time to boast or gloat (hopefully you know that’s not my style) but to thank you. To each person who shared their copy of my book or recommended it to someone who had lost a loved one, especially a child: thank you. We (and I say “we” as Rob was an integral part of this book’s creation and success) only wanted readers to know that there is hope and life after loss, that they’re not alone in what they encounter and that, yes, it does get better or at least the sheer awfulness shifts into ways that are slightly more manageable.

Now, through therapy, I’m realizing that we still have a distance to go as we approach the nine-year mark of Lauren’s death in May. In addition to the message we share, we still feel a huge responsibility to make sure that prescriptions for the drug that is pushed on struggling nursing mothers like Lauren are accompanied by the proper testing to make sure they don’t suffer from Long QT or other undiagnosed heart ailments.

Domperidone was even mentioned in last week’s episode of The Good Doctor when Sean’s wife considered taking it. Thankfully, her husband said it wasn’t recommended in the US, (though she pointed out that it’s used in Canada and Mexico). I wish the writers had used the word BANNED, because it is banned in the US, but thank you to those folks who emailed me to give us the heads up that it was part of the show’s discussion.

The fact that you’ve accompanied us on this road, shared our story and given us support, concern and kindness is never taken for granted.

We will always choose gratitude; it’s the only way we’re surviving whatever life still throws at us.

As you March Forth, may your triumphs – whatever their size – far outnumber your challenges.

Just a thought… My grandchildren believe I’m the oldest thing in the world. After two or three hours with them, I believe it too. [Gene Perret]

I’m writing you in the midst of hosting a seven-night Banana Camp.

Send supplies:

• • Four Crates of Sleep

  • A Costco-sized Flat of Energy Reserves

  • A Backpack of Patience

Thank you.

Last week our grandkids’ mom, Brooke, and her husband had to fly back to Ontario to attend to family matters; it’s our opportunity to attend to theirs here.

Wednesday of last week, the kids had their first of seven sleep-overs. Just to remind you, Colin is now nine years old, while Jane is four-going-on-fourteen. Both are great kids: well-behaved and good humoured, loving and compatible with each other. And they both go-go-go from about 7 am until they drop at 9 pm.

In between a ball hockey play date and a Lego museum visit, a theatre movie and numerous TV baseball and hockey games, the kids have kept themselves busy between meals with playing, arguing occasionally (mostly about made-up rules for made-up games) and creating piles of laundry.

Add to the cacophony a third dog – their Sammy – and we have controlled chaos as well as reminders every hour why humans usually become parents in our twenties and thirties, when our energy reserves are easily double.

Grandparenting is a whole different level of joy, fatigue – and yes – of stress. There are rules to learn and try to adhere to, years of parenting experience that both help and hinder, and the dance of making sure the kids are being spoiled, but not so badly that their parents will have days of de-Banana-ing ahead of them!

I do have to share with you an email my podcast partner Lisa Brandt and I got from a listener named Pauline. If it hadn’t come from someone we trust, I would think it was some internet hoax. But we’ve written back and forth with Pauline, and this is legit. Be careful you don’t get whiplash from shaking your head so hard. Here we go:

Lois is over 70 and her son at 45 married recently and they will be having a baby girl next month. As you can imagine Lois is counting the days when she can hop on a plane and visit the family when her granddaughter arrives. Before she arrives, however, she was given a list of do’s and don’ts.

1. 1. No kissing the baby for the first 6 months.

   2. She is not to say the baby is cute or beautiful or make a comment on any physical attributes the baby might have. They will raise this child to focus on her mental abilities and not her physical looks. They made it clear this is the only way to raise a daughter in a ‘man’s world’.

   3. This child will not be watching television nor grow up with a cell phone.

   4. Lois is not to make suggestions or give advice on how to raise this child or old fashioned talks on ‘how it was done in her day’… as they have read all the books.

   5. Lois is not to direct questions to the new mother as she will be too busy with the baby. All questions i.e. ‘where’s the coffee mugs?’ are to be directed to her son. He will be around during this visit to answer any questions Lois may have. and the list went on….

I won’t lie – we encountered at least one rule from our own daughter that made us roll our eyes so hard we couldn’t see straight for days. (That rule was rescinded in fairly short order.)

To Lois and anyone else facing declarations from new parents, my only advice is to smile and nod and do your best. It’s always the best approach if somehow you screw up and inadvertently test the limits. Keeping peace and bonds between you and your children and grandchildren is always the most important thing.

Footnote: last week I mentioned the contents of this email to an acquaintance with a four-month-old strapped to her chest. She said no, she’d never heard of the “no kissing” rule, but said that she and her husband had not read one book about parenting and were doing it by heart. In a time of parents doing things according to the latest book, going back to instincts seems a revolutionary stance! But as long as the kids are loved, well-fed and cared-for (which includes fully vaccinated), isn’t that truly the most important part of parenting?

One More Footnote (or feetnote, now that we’ve got two): Carly said she has lost count of how many times she’s been offered Domperidone, the drug that our daughter was taking in her efforts to help her nurse Colin when her heart stopped. Carly thinks of us every time. Please talk to your nursing daughters about its potentially dangerous side effects.

Just a thought… Grandparenting is 50% wishing the little ones would quiet down, and 50% wondering what they’re up to when they’re being so quiet. [Erin Davis]

My heart is so full today. It’s Family Day Weekend for much of this great and beautiful country of ours; some provinces have other names for this day and others like Quebec, parts of Newfoundland and the Territories don’t mark it at all. But if you don’t mind, I’ll share a bit of family-flavoured sweetness and, unlike last week, it won’t be of the canine variety. Although I will tell you that with every passing day, Livi and Dottie are settling in more as sisters who adore their other sister Sammy.

Some viewers of last week’s video blog asked what breed they are, and I didn’t mention (as I had in the past) that they’re all Havanese. I first met one when we lived in a condo at Bloor and Jarvis. His name was Rupert and his dads just adored him. And now I clearly know why!

Ah yes, family. As we can tell you first-hand, it comes in all shapes and forms: ours is made up of two adults with whom we have no genetic link and one granddaughter who is ours, but not born to our child, but whom we love wholeheartedly. And then there’s our grandson about whom you’ve heard plenty. We are completed by them and will forever be grateful for the time we get to spend fulfilling that most precious role of grandparent.

There’s the family of friends we have: those with whom we chat daily via text or email (more rarely by phone) and who are always on our minds and in our corners. When life falls apart, they’re there to help us sew it back together. Friends like my local pal Nancy – always just a thought away – and my podcast partner Lisa who has even shared her therapist with me. (Side note: that man is helping me in ways I haven’t even been able to count yet. I thought no one could understand what’s been going on in our lives in the past 9 years, but here he is explaining that our decisions, some of which make me shake my head in hindsight, were but choices I/we made based in grief. It’s that kind of clarity that shines so bright a light that it fills your soul. And guides the way.)

We have our real family: my sisters and Rob’s siblings who are always in touch, some more often than others, and with whom we have varying relationships. With whom we share not only DNA but family histories: maps into those murky experiences that make us who we are. They’re the people who may not fully understand us, but recall the circumstances that may have made us who we are. And, of course, one cousin among all our (non-sibling) relatives – one – who keeps in regular touch. This is what wills are for! LOL

I’m grateful to call so many people here in the ethereal world of connection by heart friends as well. Most readers and viewers and listeners I have never met, and yet I feel your arms around me more often than you can imagine. Urging me on. Forgiving me when I ask for it. Offering strength when it seems my reserves have been leaking without my noticing. I always know you’re there.

What is Real Family? Family is where the love lies. Where there’s a softness and compassion and understanding that comes from knowing one’s heart. I always say that when someone close to me apologizes for something they fear they did: I know your heart. To me there are no more forgiving words in my own language.

Real Family is not a father and mother and children and grandchildren; real family is where the love and soft place to fall lie.

Our company happens to be named Real Family Productions, thanks to the Rob, Erin and Lauren who made up our little pod when we were choosing its name. I fear now that it might, to some, sound judgmental or phobic and for that reason I’m in favour of changing it. “Oh your family isn’t real; ours is.” I would despair if anyone with whom Rob and I work ever inferred that as our take on families. For that assumption could not be more untrue.

Real Family is love, understanding and an ability to care and be compassionate. I wish you that on this long weekend (for most), in whatever incarnation you are fortunate enough to find yourself.

Thank you for being part of mine.

Albeit a little early for Valentine’s Day, I have a love-filled video journal for you today.

Quite unexpectedly, we’ve brought more sweetness into our lives and home (and bed). Meet her just by following this YouTube link. I promise you it’s worth every second. (Oh, and please subscribe while you’re there for extras through the week.)

Just a thought… Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more. [H. Jackson Brown Jr.]

Sometimes, especially on a wintry Monday, you need a story that’ll warm your heart. Well, have I got one for you today!

I’m a big believer in random acts of kindness: putting things out there and never expecting a return, but secretly hoping that karma will be kind down the road. This past week I was witness to such an act that I have to share with you.

During our Jan. 15 Facebook live event, Lisa Brandt and I were given two $100 gift certificates from one of our two sponsors, www.enVypillow.com. We announced the winners’ names two days later in Episode 56, and waited to hear from them.

Very shortly thereafter we heard from Liz. Now Liz has had a very tough year: last year her husband suffered a life-altering health event and is now in assisted living. As anyone who is a caregiver, a loving spouse and/or both well knows, the stresses and heartache are a lot to take on – especially if you’re in your mid-80s, like Liz is. She was teary and elated to have won the gc. She said she’s been longing for an enVy pillow since we’ve been talking about them on our podcast, but thought it a little more than she could afford. The gc meant she could.

But that’s not the end of the story. A week ago today I received an email from Gracefully and Frankly listener Shirley. She read Liz’s story in my journal that day and wanted to top up the gc so that Liz could get whatever she wanted. After thanking Shirley for her vast kindness, I wrote to Liz and said, “I hope you’re sitting down…” and when Liz wrote back, she’d been crying with joy. Although she’d already ordered one, she and Shirley made some arrangements and let’s just say that both women were extremely pleased with the outcome.

As you can guess, so were Lisa and I. Lisa remarked, “This is better than radio – I mean, you get to connect good people, hear their stories – it feels amazing!” And she’s right. But back in my pre-podcasting days, we got to give away sums of money and trips (none of them our own) and to hear of people’s gratitude.

At Christmas we read letters from folks who wanted to gift other deserving people with trips from the radio station and we listened in as the winners told the recipients about their windfall. That was the best. We felt as if we were making dreams come true (when in reality it was the hard work of our sales and promotions departments).

In a way, a $100 voucher and Shirley’s added generosity did that here, too. Liz felt loved and cared for, and as she said, “For at least one day, I wasn’t thinking about assisted care.” How wonderful of Shirley and beautiful of Kathy and Kim to donate the gifts!

But there’s one more note in this sweet song to share: our other winner Karen has a daughter going for her doctorate who has trouble sleeping because of a jaw issue (TMJ). The pillow will definitely help her with that, Karen said.

Look, this wasn’t meant to be an ad for a pillow company and its two women at the helm. It’s a reminder that there are good people everywhere – like the guy who reached out to help my sister move a trailer out of her garage in the Okanagan when fires were bearing down last summer. He didn’t want a penny and was happy to assist in her hour of need.

Don’t let the people who drain you or take you for granted fool you; there are still those out there who will appreciate any gesture – even a call or a thought. Last week at the grocery store checkout, I let a man in a wheelchair go ahead of me since I had a full basket and he had only one item on his lap. The man, coincidentally, was also named Davis (I heard the cashier say it when she accepted his loyalty card). Then I watched as he gave back his only purchase: a steak he thought was $12, thanks to the big red sticker on it, was actually that price per pound. I caught the cashier’s eye and mouthed that I’d buy it. She bagged it and gave it to him; he waved and said to me, “Thank you. God bless you.”

And do you know, just hearing someone being grateful for something I’d done meant more to me than anything else could have. And karma? I just told the lady checking out my purchases that I was hoping my family would have a smooth travel day, and they did.

Oftentimes all we want is to be seen and appreciated. To feel like someone knows our hearts, and that we want to make their lives better. It sure beats receiving.

But you probably already know it.