Erin's Journals

Monday, February 22, 2021

Just a thought… The degree to which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth he can accept about himself without running away. [Olivia Carli]

If you’d like to watch a video version of this journal, it’s available on my Facebook page, or on YouTube.

Well, I don’t know how to say this, so I will just go ahead and rip off the band-aid…I made a mistake. A huge one.

Here it is: as you know, I brought a puppy into our home last November 1st, coincidentally the day Rob almost lost a finger in a saw. So our little black and white bundle of rambunctious sweetness came into a shaky place: separate rooms at night for Rob and me while he dealt with his pain and I settled in with Rosie. Not the best start.

Then our work lives ramped up exponentially. I told you about this new third project that I’m working hard to get ready, while also doing 2 podcasts plus virtual emceeing and keynote speeches. But we worked around it; for instance, a friend came in and slept over so she could handle Rosie overnight and in the morning when I was broadcasting live on camera for 5 hours for a convention.

Although Rosie always wanted to be with me, snuffling or barking in the recording studio or jumping up to move my laptop during Zoom calls, we worked to make it work: extra food puzzles and fresh toys for each occasion, lots of walks (hopefully) to wear her out, and so on. We tried everything to keep it all in balance – a happy, healthy pup and happy, healthy work and family lives.

Rob didn’t want another dog to raise after Molly left us in September, but while he was resistant, I was persistent. In “encouraging my own fulfillment” in those wedding vows, Rob relented. I promised this was to be MY dog. I would take on the early mornings, the busy days and all of the obligations that come with the joy.

Then two accidents laid me up – I’m almost walking normally but not quite, and face some therapy going forward – and caring for Rosie fell almost entirely into Rob’s computer-laden lap. He and I are usually so in sync that it was really hard emotionally to take: he was exasperated, I felt guilty and there was a rift between us that’s not only rare but extremely strange.

And so, we – I – made a very tough call that we would have to find Rosie a happy new home – one where she’ll have all the attention and walks she needs and wants. She and I grew very attached and this has been hard – trust me, there have been tears – but I know it’s for the best for her, for me, for Rob and even our extended family, of whom we will be seeing a lot more.

Rosie’s new mom is a young retiree who lost her own little elderly fur baby in December. She’s dealt with scammers and dead ends in finding a pup, until us. She lives alone and through interviews and a socially-distanced meeting, we established that Rosie will have a good and loving home, all of the attention she deserves and plenty of much-needed exercise. And so yesterday we said good-bye to Rosie Doodles.

I know I made some big mistakes. One was plowing ahead with looking at puppies online until 2 am when Rob was asleep and couldn’t beg me not to. Another was just expecting that she’d fit into our lives, even as they got unexpectedly more complicated. None of this was fair to her. But it will be. She and her new mom will make each other very happy for years to come. We’ve given away every treat, jacket, leash and toy that we’ve collected over the past 20+ years of having a dog in our homes, and closed that chapter in our lives.

I know some people will judge me but no one can say anything I haven’t already beaten myself up with, so there’s that. I tried to fill that hole in our heart left with Molly’s passing and I did it all wrong. And I am truly sorry. I messed up in my grief – and guess what? If I know me, it won’t be the last time.

I’ll be back with you here on Thursday.

Rob WhiteheadMonday, February 22, 2021