Erin's Journals

Just a thought… Honesty is the fastest way to prevent a mistake from turning into a failure. [James Altucher]

As always, you can watch a video version of this journal on my Facebook page, or here on YouTube.

First off – sore arm after getting my second shot on Monday, but felt 100% the next day and the next and today, too. I told you Rob felt flu-ish for a week or so and different people have different reactions, but I sailed through, except for…needing to be near a bathroom fairly often. Anyone else get that side effect?

Now to today, July 15. 700 days. Do you know what you were doing 700 days ago? I do – very clearly, in fact. I was getting out of rehab. My sister was visiting from Mexico; she and Rob came to get me, freshly signed out, bags in hand, to bring me home.

I know that it was just two weeks ago that I told you I had hit the two-year mark for sobriety (this time around) and it may seem that the math doesn’t work, but it does: 772 days (give or take) of sobriety plus rehab; this is the day I got out and started keeping count, checking in morning and night on a free app on my phone called I Am Sober. So yeah, 700 days.

In that time, have I wanted to drink? Oh, I have – especially in times of conflict when I would have escaped into a bottle of wine in the past. Like that helped. Or when I felt celebratory for a job well done. Nope.

But perhaps worse than that, I started up another addiction in its absence: vaping. Can I tell you that having a Juul vape, a tiny subtle little device hardly bigger than a lighter that I could tuck into my bra and just take a haul off in almost any location was the hardest thing I’ve quit?

I think it is! I stopped it in mid-June, right after the Leafs were bounced from the Stanley Cup playoffs. I’d tried a month earlier and no-go. Honestly, it’s not just the nicotine I’d gotten hooked on while I was in rehab(!!!) but the convenience. The instant gratification, calming, rewarding feel that used to come with a cigarette in my younger years, without the cloying smell, the side-eyes from non-smokers, the coughing and wheezing and all of the awfulness that comes with smoking. The cost? About the same; I’d order it online. But flavours that I could get in these little pods that fit into that pen-like device gave me satisfaction and enjoyment: a little hit and somehow a feeling like I wasn’t being deprived after all.

So how did I get hooked in rehab? Good question! This place was one of the few anywhere that allowed smoking on its grounds, the logic being that patients were already going through a huge jolt giving up their drink or drugs. When I got there on that July day 2 years ago, I thought, Well, smoking will make me feel less afraid plus it’s where people go to hang out and chat, so it gives me a reason to be a little more sociable, despite all my fear. 

So I brought smokes with me. Yeah, smart eh? Anyway…when I saw people vaping in the smoking area – those massive clouds of mist or whatever forming above their head like mango-scented cartoon thought bubbles – I wondered…but knew that stuff wasn’t for me. Then I saw the compact little Juul thingies and my roomie knew all about them, so off to the tuck shop we went and I got started. Like a teen learning to smoke, she schooled me. And I got hooked. SO hooked.

I still miss it and have my nicotine gum while I’m weaning off that stuff. An addict is gonna be addicted – it just is who we are. But let me tell you: if you think it’s somehow better than smoking, I’ll warn you that vaping is insidious. Like I say, anywhere, anytime, this little guy just comes out of the bra or the pocket or the purse and is there for you. The worst kind of addiction: right at your fingertips.

I like to think in so many ways I have it all together, like that CEO who needs to fire herself, as I was told when I first went into rehab, but this dirty secret is one I’ve been keeping from you for two years. Poor Rob has had to deal with my withdrawal – ongoing, relentless, challenging – for a month now and I’m going to say it again: it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to quit, maybe ever.

But fair warning: if you take my coffee away from me, there’s going to be a fight. ‘Cause like one of my daughter-in-law’s favourite mugs says, “I survive on coffee and cuss words.” Don’t make me bring out the latter – have a good weekend and I’ll talk to you here on Monday!

Just a thought… Toxic positivity: the overgeneralization of happy, optimistic state that results in the denial, minimization and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience. [ThePsychologyGroup.com]

You can watch a video version of this journal on my Facebook page, or here on YouTube.

Thanks for starting a new week here! You may or may not have noticed I didn’t post here on Thursday and I apologize again for that, ’cause I want this to be reliable. I just got to Wednesday, when I would normally write and shoot a journal, and couldn’t. I didn’t have it in me – feeling “bluer than blue, sadder than sad,” as the old song goes.

I know full well that a lot of people have it worse than I do, and that makes feeling sad a bit of a guilt trip. But I realize on a conscious level that you and I don’t compare loss or gifts or sadness or joy; we just feel what we feel and get through it, and get on with it.

It’s the strange magic (ooh, another oldies reference) of having something in your calendar that you’re so looking forward to and then…it’s over. Yes, the “don’t be sad it’s over, be glad it happened” looks great on a fridge magnet, but it’s easier said than done.

I can tell you that our time at a resort north of Nanaimo on Vancouver Island in a place called Parksville was everything Rob, Colin and I hoped it would be. From splashing in the warmest ocean waters in Canada (or so I’m told), to “lights out” at 9:30 because my two boys were exhausted, to so many other adventures of a small kind, were the stuff that phone cameras are filled with and of which memories are made.

And then it’s done and you’re smelling the burnt sadness of birthday candles that have been blown out. You know – or hope – the party will come again, but for now, it’s over and you weren’t ready for it to end.

With the Covid variants, it’s hard not to worry that there’s a lot more where the first virus came from in terms of closures and limitations. But, on this very day, I’m getting my second shot. Rob felt sluggish and not himself for days after his (I talked to some friends yesterday who were just fine), but we’ll see how I fare, being so much younger and all (wink!).

So that’s where we are right now. As we look out, our grass is parched and golden brown and much of the island is in a state of drought. While for many folks who share this in the Ontario area, I know you’re in for a lot of days of rain. It’s all about perspective and balance and it’s not always fair, is it? In the meantime, I’m probably like you today: grateful for the good things, getting through the not-so-great and still counting blessings because, of course, I know it could be so much worse. It could always be worse!

But if you ever get the impression that everything is just peachy here and that I never have those same days you do, then I do us both a disservice, because acknowledging them is part of vulnerability, too. And we can’t get better, get through (not over), without saying, “Yeah, this isn’t a good time and I just need to sit this one out.”

That toxic positivity I mention off the top? It’s real and it’s dangerous and I try to avoid spreading it here if I can. I mean, my positivity is real, just so long as it doesn’t say you have to feel the same way. Right?

Talk to you Thursday.

In the meantime, this is a chart that outlines what is toxic, and what is helpful, in case you’re thinking a little more deeply about the subject.

Just a thought… Be careful who you trust. Salt and sugar look the same. [Author unknown]

As always, you can watch a video version of this journal on my Facebook page, or here on YouTube.

Well, this is a big week…so we’ll start with the sugar! I mean, first full week of July, yes, but we’re taking our six-year-old grandson Colin away for two nights to a spot “up island” just a bit.

You’ve undoubtedly heard about the deadly heat that BC has been under; fortunately, here on Vancouver Island we’re now firmly in the upper teens and lower 20s since breaking all records a week ago. Also fortunately, the smoke from the countless mainland fires is staying on the mainland, but we’re just a wind’s change away from it affecting our air quality too. So, as in all things, we live day to day and hope for the best. If we get to cycle and have windows open, “Yay.” If not, we stay inside and stay as safe as we can.

But not all dangers come in the window. Some are on your phone and I’m here to tell you about a call Rob got the other day. Pass the salt, ’cause here we go.

He got a robocall from a 1-519 phone number. Cautiously, he answered. It launched into a recorded spiel saying they’d detected two suspicious credit card purchases: one for about $400 for eBay and a gift card in the amount of $3500. Okay, we knew we had made neither of those buys.

Then the recording went on to say we should press 1 to allow and press 2 if these were not our purchases. Before Rob’s trigger finger could hit 2 (as mine likely would have), we stopped and he hung up.

Right away, we called our bank’s 1-800 customer service number (seen on the back of our credit card). We followed the prompts to lost or stolen credit cards and spoke to a real live customer service rep – yes, on a statutory holiday. She was able to confirm that there were no such charges, which was a tremendous relief after having had similar but legitimate troubles earlier this year.

She said that fake phone calls usually cite an eBay charge and a gift card purchase. That’s the first red flag. The second is that our call display showed a phone number with an area code other than 800 or 888 (from Wingham, ON in case anyone cares). Our experience is, if there’s been a suspected fraudulent charge, a live person calls (not a recording) and they ask you about the charges in person, or they leave a message and ask you to call back. In our experience, again, they never ask you to do anything on the phone (i.e. press 1 or press 2).

So there you go. Like I said, danger comes in all shapes and sizes and, in this case, it was just a Canada Day phone call from a number in our country. Or so they’d have us believe. Share this message if you would, please, so that your parents, kids or friends are made aware that this is happening. By the way, it felt really good to let the bank know the phone number of these scam artists. I’m sure it’s a lot to hope for, but maybe we helped get somebody in trouble?

I’ll be back with you Thursday with sand in my shorts and stories to tell. (Which might well be the name of a new country album LOL!)

Just a thought… The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be. [Ralph Waldo Emerson]

You can watch a video version of this journal on my Facebook page (where you can also scroll down to catch Monday’s Facebook Live about our AMA Waterways European river cruise with Mike Cooper and me next spring!) or here on YouTube.

Here we are, coming to the end of the first half of 2021 and heading into what we HOPE is a new year, all over again. But today is also a day for cake and celebration in our home.

It’s two years today since I said, “Okay, no more” to the endless bottle of wine or vodka that chilled in the fridge or freezer. Since I said good-bye to the icy deliciousness of a frozen Margarita or the salty perfection of a dirty Martini. Ah, I make it sound so enticing. But in reality, it’s two years since I got my life back.

Now, you may recall, either from here, or if you’ve read Mourning Has Broken: Love, Loss and Reclaiming Joy, that I had 10 years’ sobriety until I left radio and moved out west to answer to no one and just see if I had an off-switch for my drinking. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t.)

It was two years ago this coming month that I checked myself into rehab and did six really tough weeks, getting into my head this one big message: I had to fire myself as CEO of my life, because I was doing a terrible job at it. Imagine having to set aside an ego and admit that?

But since I did, look what’s happened. You’re here. I’m okay to be on camera without that constantly tired face that accompanies drinking and poor REM-deprived sleep. Thank you.

I’m hosting my own dream podcast (Drift) – an idea that would come to me late at night because I wasn’t falling into bed in a comfortably numb stupor every night. I am able to take on project after project (often to Rob’s chagrin; he was hoping this “reWirement” was going to mean a lot more “us” time, but didn’t imagine that “us” would be a production team) and doing two other podcasts.

Most importantly, though, we have our family here. Our grandchildren and their parents live within a six-minute drive of us, because we were able to step up and be there for them when they needed us. The joy, the fulfillment, the busy-ness and the immense satisfaction that we find in our days and even those nights when I can’t sleep for ideas pounding at me…they’re all thanks to sobriety.

I know that this past year-and-a-half, a lot of people have slid into heavier drinking; it’s called by some “the other pandemic.” And liver disease among younger Canadians is off the charts. If you think you might have a problem, then you probably do, and I’m just saying that online AA meetings are 24/7 around the world. I went to one in New York City a few weeks ago, online of course.

They’re fantastic and you can Google one if you’re the least bit curious. No strings. Just stories. No driving, no makeup, no nerves, no nothing. You just log on, camera on or off, sit and listen to how sobriety has changed people’s lives – one hour, one day at a time. I just happen to have two years of them now. And counting. And I am, oh, so grateful.

Be safe and I’ll be back with you on Monday. And again, if you’re on Facebook, do be sure to watch our Facebook Live event from Monday. We have a gorgeous AMASerena River Cruise all ready to go next May 30 to June 6 and ships are selling out like crazy, but we really, really want it to be just our group. So watch the video and you should get all the answers you need and, hopefully, Mike Cooper and I will see you after being cooped up – we’ll get you Erin and Cooped up in 2022!