Erin's Journals

Just a thought… Don’t be ashamed to weep; ’tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us. [Brian Jacques]

We’ve all heard the saying that it’s better to give than to receive. This year I’m feeling it 100%, although I did receive something the other day that brought me to tears. Right gift, right time. No presents under our tree; we’re giving Rosie a little more freedom and she might find them a little too enticing!

I was so excited on Friday when Rob dropped my sister Leslie’s parcel into the mail bound for Kelowna. I can’t tell you here what’s in it, but it was an idea I came up with, we ordered the elements to make it happen, put the whole thing together and sent it off. I’ll share details in the new year!

Anyway, just planning and pulling that off made my Christmas. Of course, there will be gifts for others that excite me at the thought of them being opened, but this one meant everything because it shows her how much I believe in her. She and my other two sisters have been so amazing at keeping my dad as content as he can be, and his affairs in order, as he lives in constant isolation (along with the other residents, mind you) in a seniors’ home in Kelowna.

On Thursday of last week I was having one of those days. I think it was the after effects of having done a 90 minute live interview (!) on Instagram the night before with girltalkempowerment.com CEO and founder Katie Zeppieri.  The topics were varied but, of course, a big part of it was my book and its contents. I find I’m able to tell the story of our daughter’s death and its toll on us quite capably in the moment; it’s the hours or days after that end up reverberating through me.

Later Thursday, Rob and I returned from some errands and there was a little cloth bag at our door. Inside: a glittering hummingbird ornament. As I unwrapped it, I started to cry. My friend Nancy and her dear husband Charles had done this for us and, although she apologized later for my tears, she needn’t have; I was looking for a reason to let those emotions out. And I did. Hey – it has to happen, right? Water those flowers. Grow new memories.

Another wonderful gift of this season came from my dad. It wasn’t to me, but through me, which meant even more, as it was another of those presents that show someone believes in you. Every year at this time, Dad writes cheques to two charities. One is always Salvation Army (which we also heartily support) and this year I asked if he’d consider the community centre in Sidney for which we deliver meals each week.

The program began when COVID isolation kicked in; Rob and I learned of it from a fellow Rotary club member, thought, why not? and volunteered. Dad said yes without reservations. Last week I was given a hand-written thank-you card to send on to him, and it’s now in the mail. His generosity, and that of so many, is helping to keep the hot and frozen meals coming to those who aren’t able to risk going out to shop. What was meant to be a limited-time program has been extended indefinitely and we’re grateful to everyone who is helping to make this possible.

And then we come to a gift for you. In 2005, I partnered with Cori Ashley and her husband Ed Franks, an award-winning team of composers/performers who assembled a wellness program for your ears (but mostly your soul), called Prelude To The Calm. Stress relief in five minutes or less (because who has the time or energy?).

Since Cori and I last connected, she has created – along with numerous experts in different fields – a series of empowerment programs for people of all ages. It’s simple and fun and hugely helpful for people homeschooling, working, creating or just trying to figure out how best to navigate learning and succeeding in their own lives at any age. She’s called it Supermeprograms.com and, now that she and I have joined forces again, I’m hoping to get involved further in the whole adventure in 2021.

But for now, for you: they’ve uploaded our five minute fun, inspiring and calming journeys – set to the most gorgeous music – for free, for you to enjoy and to pass on to those you love. Not all gifts come with bows (unless they’re of the violin type) – and I promise you’ll love it. No strings (again, see the violin reference!), just relaxation and time for reflection and peace. Heavenly peace.

To receive this gift of stress relief, go to supermeprograms.com and look for my face up top.

I’m going to share only uplifting thoughts and journals from here to the end of the year and thank you for being such a good reason to look for the positive, always.

Hugs, E.

Just a thought… You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming. [Pablo Neruda]

Two weeks today is Christmas Eve. I’m tempted to write a poem, but it’s all been said and, honestly, there isn’t much to add to the sentiments of this season. Hearts are tearing across the world and in our homes and communities, as the hopes of being together at Christmas are dashed – either for this year or, for some, forever.

It’s been a relentlessly difficult year. And so we look for hope in a vaccine, pray for compassion in others that they’ll see the light and wear their masks, obey calls for caution and distancing, and do what’s needed to help all of us get through this toughest of all Christmases.

My own aunt and uncle decided yesterday that they just can’t, in good conscience or health, fly to Calgary to be with their precious children and grandchildren for the holidays. It’s devastating for them all, I know. We’ll do what we can to help them through it…whatever that may be. But Rob and I have had heartbreak at this time of year; we know how it feels.

When we endured our hardest holiday season in 2015, we ran away – literally. Rob and I hopped a plane, rented a place for two weeks, binge-watched the Cumberbatch Sherlock series, and barbecued on December 25th after hiding out for the day in a spa.

We started each day with a laugh by playing the silly Ellen DeGeneres app Heads Up! with each other, acting out and trying to get the other person to guess who or what we were. It was incredibly strange yet relieving to feel the rush of laughter and the soothing endorphins of happiness, even for a few minutes. I highly recommend it for you, if you feel you can do it.

This will be a Christmas like no other. The unfamiliar far-off light that shines in our lives right now comes from the hope of a vaccine that will be arriving on Canadian shores at a blessedly rapid pace. I will place my unwavering faith in the hands of those whose job it has always been to follow the science and lead us out of the darkness.

Of course, not all will: a doctor with Don Lemon on CNN last night outlined just how widely and quickly the hoaxes surrounding information about the vaccine (much of it from Russia) are appearing. There are Facebook pages devoted to the COVID vaccine and they’re rife with lies. So, please be vigilant and don’t be a spreader, in more ways than one.

One troll on Twitter the other night told me (when I gave an ‘amen’ to a Jann Arden tweet about the vaccine in the UK), “You liberals go first.” Um, okay. (Question: does aluminum foil work as well for headgear as tin foil?)

I know, I know, I shouldn’t have responded…but I said, with wide-eyed sarcasm, “Thank you, but I’ll wait my turn: after front line and health care workers and seniors have gotten theirs.”

He responded, “Your government luvs you.” (I hope they do, the money I’ve given them over the years! You’d think I might get a valentine once in a while, but a life-saving vaccine will have to do, I guess.)

See, there’s the rub: so many have been lied to and deceived by government leaders year after year (and this guy was from Vegas) that they refuse to believe a vaccine is anything but some devious plan to track us (go ahead; I’m boring) or poison us. They listen to online crackpots who throw out insanity, only to be lapped up by people who are vulnerable to such misinformation.

Fake videos of hoax doctors who supposedly have dark inside facts about the virus, the people behind it – even Bill Gates, for God’s sake. The man who almost single-handedly eradicated polio worldwide in the late 20th century (only to see a resurgence among the anti-vaxxers whom I can only imagine like the idea of an iron lung). Just last week someone on my own Facebook page said it’s no worse than the flu. Yes, that tired trope is still going around, my friend.

Oh, this turned dark. I’m sorry. I’m finding so many reasons to be grateful this year and I’ll share them with you here in the days to come, as part of a podcast on which I’ll be a guest with my friends Sheila and Anita next week, called “Moms Sipping Sangria.” I’m also planning a recorded chat with Mike Cooper as we approach Christmas; I’ll share that check-in with you.

Sigh. How I wish I was doing a Christmas Eve show with you this year. Maybe I’ll shoot a little video message. But it won’t be the same as hosting that family get-together – something that was our shared tradition for 24 wonderful years. You know, of course, that CHFI will have special programming just for the evening (and the following day, too) and it’ll include some of our shared creations, so I’ll be with you in spirit and even a little bit of audio here and there. I’m so lucky still to be a part of people’s holiday celebrations, even in the smallest of ways.

And speaking of holidays, if you light the first candle of the menorah tonight, I wish you and yours a Happy Hanukkah. Again, we’re thinking of families separated by the virus at this special time of year; you’re in my heart.

We just have to hold on. Get through this one December so that we can get people safe and vaccinated and head into some semblance of normalcy before the next holiday season rolls around. We can do this.

I’ll be back with a new journal on Monday and I am sending you a huge hug.

Just a thought… Nothing is ever really lost to us, as long as we remember it. [Lucy Maud Montgomery]

Isn’t it funny the things that spark conversations? Yesterday on Twitter, Consumers Distributing was trending after someone posted this:

When I saw my friend Lisa Brandt, who blogs at voiceoflisabrandt.com and whom you can follow on Twitter @lisambrandt, had tweeted on it, I thought we should have a chat!

We did, and I invite you to listen in. Please click here, if you’d like to hear our conversation.

It felt like a hug on a cloudy Sunday to connect with my dear pal, with whom I shared radio studios at CHFI, and who did mornings for years at 680 News in Toronto, as well as in London and many other spots on the radio map. Hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

Talk to you here on Thursday.

Just a thought… Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. [Rumi]

When this year began – you know, about 102 years ago – I took on a big task: teaching myself to edit audio. I won’t go into how it’s done, although my friend Lisa did in a blog that I found fascinating and you might, too.

Learning a new skill and one that I’ve put to use literally hundreds of times (especially with that 800-page course I recorded, edited and sent, all within a month) freed Rob up to do other production work, to play hockey or keep the house running.

Then, coincident with awareness of the word “COVID,” Zoom came into my consciousness. I was mildly interested, but thought, I’ll probably never use it…we FaceTime with our family in Ottawa and that’s good enough. But it entered our home when we started using it with sister meetings coordinated by the techie of us four girls, my oldest sibling Heather. Soon the sisterhood of the travelling rants was trying other platforms as we all sought the best signals, and most user-friendly apps etc..

As work began to ramp up, thanks to two podcasts that came to be in 2020 (which we totally didn’t see coming; I thought this year would be all about in-person keynote speeches – ha!), we moved further into the on-camera virtual meeting world. And here’s where my problem lies. We used to have phone calls. I could stay in my jammie-jams all day long if I wanted (and I often did) and get the job done. As far as anyone on the other end knew, I was highly inspired and sharply attired, baby!

Weeks of isolation turned into months, and we stayed busy. If I wasn’t recording and editing auditions for the two voice sites to which I subscribe, I was pecking away at this poor worn-out computer or prepping for upcoming interviews of which I was either host or subject. And then, for some inexplicable reason, we started to go Zoom in meetings.

What were previously done over the phone as conference calls were now on screen. And why is this a point of contention?

Well, because no one but my family and complete strangers in the grocery store are going to see me with lousy hair or red break-outs on my face (thanks, menopause). So now a simple meeting turns into getting dressed, doing my hair and putting on makeup (which my skin is not fond of these days).

It sounds like a stupid thing to be bugged by – especially when there are real problems in the world and right outside my door – but more than once I’ve gotten a call where someone has wanted to FaceTime and I’ve just not answered it. Honey, you have to give me notice if you want to see this face, unless you’re family (and I’m not even comfortable looking au naturel around my own sisters).

I can hear the words “vanity” or “insanity” ringing in my head right now and some people will judge me that way. But if you’ve been slammed in the newspaper for your hockey player-like looks (does anyone remember Gary Dunford or Spike Gallagher?) it leaves a mark deeper than one from a high-sticking.

I’ve had surgery to reduce my prominent Davis chin. I’ve worked hard and gone through plenty of pain to keep my face from showing the decades of middle-of-the-night alarms. If I’m lucky enough to get to my eighties, I’ll be that woman with the vertical colour lines bleeding from my non-existent lips (they’re barely there now – I’m all mouth, but no lips). It’s who I am and I come by it honestly: my mother almost had to sit down when she saw how many women would go to the grocery store with curlers in their hair back in the 70s. She wasn’t raised that way, and neither was I.

Don’t get me wrong. I admire women who can be themselves, not a drop of makeup and comfortable in their skin. It so happens that I’m not one of them and that’s not going to change. I did strike a compromise a few weeks ago: I did a video meeting with a blazer worn over my black jersey nightgown, adding a wig and a necklace. And it worked!

So I come back to my first question: can’t we just have meetings over the phone? I mean, just because the technology exists, do we have to use it? In 2020 they’d be giving the Six Million Dollar Man a penis extension.

If you could see me, I’d be blushing. But you won’t, so please just take my word for it and I’ll be back with a new journal Monday.

Just a thought… No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted. [Aesop]

So much to tell you today, but nothing like the adventures of four weeks ago. Puppy Rosie is doing well (about 90% success on her training now) and Rob’s hand is well enough that he was wrestling with the prickles of an artificial tree on the weekend.

It hadn’t been unpacked since we put it in our rec room for the Christmas That Was, in 2014. (The main event was the real one in the living room.) In that time, some of the lights on this supposedly pre-lit tree decided to pack it in, adding about six hours’ work to the task of putting it together as we dipped our toes back into decking the halls.

I got one of about ten Rubbermaid totes unpacked on Saturday before feeling myself climbing into a pod of depression and just stopping. It was akin to decorating for a funeral. Yesterday was a bit better; I put it off until the afternoon, once I’d decided on no decorations, just lights and ribbon. Baby steps, right?

I was really okay with no more Christmases. But having family here with us means I have to put on my big girl stockings and just do it; I’ll let the warmth of the season come over me whenever it decides to visit. And anticipate with joy the family I never imagined would be here for our first foray back into the holidays.

It did come on Saturday evening in the form of one ornament: Brooke and Phil gave me one they’d been looking for, apparently for years: a banana ornament. And in teal – the colours of our accents in our house overlooking the ocean and mountains. I mean, how cute is this? We’ll find just the perfect spot for it.

Despite three rounds of vacuuming, the house is splattered with glitter and we’re now at that “finding it in my underpants” stage of post-decorating clean-up. I’m sure by March it’ll be all gone. Here’s how the tree looked last night; I will likely add a few balls as the week goes on and I feel a bit more festive. Or it’s fine as it is; haven’t decided.

That’s not the moon (full tonight); just a reflection of a kitchen light. Could be though, eh?

Meantime, your inbox has likely been jammed with sale notices from any place at which you’ve ever shopped online or given your email address in person, imploring you to take advantage of their Black Friday or Cyber Monday sales. Humbug. But tomorrow is worth noting: it’s Giving Tuesday – the day on which the orgy of spending is balanced a little with the spirit of the season: charity. And on that note, I’ll invite you to take a little bit of an inventory.

If in 2020 you did not spend on something that you would have – what economists call “discretionary spending” – perhaps you’d consider giving some of what you saved to people who truly are in need.

Now, I know full well that a lot of people haven’t a spare dime after a tough year, but there are some of us who have been fortunate: we’ve found other ways to keep our income flowing while saving on travel (gas, cruises, flights, accommodations, etc.), personal pampering like cosmetics, hair appointments, facials, massages, new clothes and the like.

There are a hundred other ways we haven’t spent money in 2020: house cleaners, dog grooming sessions, movie nights, restaurant outings or tickets to other entertaining events. But, of course, every dollar we have saved has come at the expense of people in those industries – people who relied on our spending to put food on their table. Everywhere you turn there is hardship.

So I’ll ask you to consider the money you saved by doing the right thing and staying home, and find a charity that is close to your heart and make a donation. You don’t have to wait until Giving Tuesday; make it your Monday motivation! Open those letters and emails from charities you’ve been generous with in the past, and consider how much greater the need is in 2020 than it has ever been before.

And if you usually drop a $5 or $20 in the Salvation Army kettle, please do it online this year. (Yes, there are many volunteers still ringing the bells, but perhaps you won’t be out to see them.) That’s only one of the tremendous organizations out there that need your help, and I know you can find your own. Food banks can make your dollar go farther than any Black Friday or point redemption program anywhere – trust me.

Please, please give. And if you’re one of the many who has fallen on hard times in 2020, I hope you’ll know that we’re thinking of you. And better than that, we’re going to be helping. Here’s a link to something I did for Markham Stouffville Hospital from the home setting in which I’ve been doing Zoom conferences, speeches and so on. Hope you like it.

And if you don’t mind, thank you for sharing this message today. You just never know who needs to hear it.