Erin's Journals

Here we are in the final week of winter (or so says the calendar) and I understand that for some of the folks who join me here from Ontario, there’s a bit of a mild (albeit wet) spell settling in. Not good for those worried about flooding, but great for the soul and a reminder that even the crankiest winters can’t last forever! Here near Victoria, we still have smatterings of dark, dirty snow piled on the ground, but the blossoms are out on some of the trees and we’re heading for a cloudy high of 8 degrees today. Not bad, but not cycling weather (for us) just yet.
 
Of course, I remember March Breaks when it was so warm with temperatures up into the 20s that we’d joke on air about the poor folks who spent all of that money to go away and enjoy weather conditions just like we were experiencing at home! That might not be the case in all of Canada today (I know it snowed for hours in Ottawa yesterday), but it’s still better than minus-stupid degrees.
 
You probably know by now that I contribute to ideas.walmart.ca. I wrote this week’s Walmart piece about at-home March Break crafting with the kids after being inspired by colouring with Colin and watching him enjoy what seemed like hours of quiet art work.
 
My briefcase was open when we were at their house in Ottawa a couple of weeks ago and he was attracted like a magnet to the highlighter pens in pink, yellow and orange that were nestled inside the case’s lid. Of course, I gave them to him, but made him promise he’d only use these distinctly NON-washable markers in the safety of the kitchen and away from the living room furniture! Don’t want drama thanks to Grama Banana, if you know what I mean!
 
Speaking of which, Colin was off school yesterday for March Break and happened to be watching Cityline with Tracy Moore, because his Grama was going to be a guest. (Here’s a link.) Brooke and Phil sent a video of Colin losing his mind with excitement when his GRANDAD came on the TV. LOL! I mean, this is exactly what I was writing about yesterday: how life has a way of just keeping you grounded.
 
He looked up from his book when I was on and said, “Mommy, that’s my Grama on TV.” You know, like every kid’s is, right? And then when a shot of his Grandad came on, he just shrieked and pointed and got very excited: “That’s Grandad! He’s a boy! Robert! Robert! Grandad!” (Of course, he hears me call his grandad Robert, as sometimes with his hearing impairment, Rob doesn’t hear just the one syllable when I’m calling him – something Colin came to know and imitate loudly through the house.)
 
I love his reaction to the TV, though. I love everything about that. But do you know what I love most? The fact that Lauren would have done the exact. same. thing.
 
She would do stuff like that just to tease me, and always remind me that “Daddy’s the funny one.” The three of us would laugh together and it was just part of the dynamic of our relationship; although it was there and she certainly was warm and caring, she’d resist reciprocating the over-the-top love I would give to her and I got that. It seems Colin inherited that little trait too (which you see illustrated with humour in Mourning Has Broken).
 
Thanks for coming by today and for your kind comments about yesterday’s TV visits, including a very emotional one with Ben Mulroney. I was touched and surprised that they kept his tears in the segment; it never hurts people to see or hear that hosts are real just like them, right?
 
Have a gentle day and I’ll be back with you here tomorrow to wrap up the week on the Ides of March. I wonder if Clamato has considered building an ad campaign around March 15 and the Bloody Caesar? Hmmmm.
 

Hey there – I wanted to remind you gently that if you’re so inclined, you might want to catch tonight’s etalk. It’s on CTV and I had a beautiful few minutes talking with a tearful Ben Mulroney. As I mentioned here last week, it really opened my eyes to who this man is at his heart.
 

 

 
Also, today is the day they’re airing my spot on Cityline with Tracy Moore, taped just before Tracy went on a short vacation. Since details of my press whirlwind are pretty blurry now, I’ll be interested in tuning in to see how it went!
 
Tracy’s show is where this whole book story began: forgive me if you’ve read this tale before, but it’s still pretty unbelievable. On the day of my final Casa Loma broadcast for 98.1 CHFI in Toronto, Cityline aired an interview I’d taped with Tracy just the week before. In the studio audience that day was one woman who would change my life.
 
You see, Iris Tupholme is the Senior VP of Publishing for HarperCollins Canada and she was there on a girls’ day out with her sisters. She could have been at a matinee, they could have gone shopping or to a spa. But that day she was in the Cityline audience and later that week Iris sent me an email saying, “I think you’ve got a book in you.” And here we are. So going back to visit Tracy, on the first of ten days of interviews, seemed not just fitting, but full circle. 
 

  
Lest you think I’m getting too big a head over all of this book stuff, I want to assure you that there’s always ALWAYS family to keep it real for you. Like my Dad, for example. After I told him on Friday to keep an eye out in the Globe & Mail for the weekend’s best seller list, he asked why. I said, “Because I’m number one.” 
 
Dad laughed and corrected me: “I’m pretty sure you’re number three. At least in 1962 you were….” He was referring, of course, to birth order. As I say in my book (after Dad had a hard time finding words of praise for a Blue Jays TV Father’s Day segment) I’m one of four and nothing more. And that’s okay; it’s how he has always parented and I wouldn’t expect anything else, nor would I want it!
 
I think that if, at some time in their lives, each child secretly believes they’re the favourite – and least favourite – then parents have probably done a good job. I can’t speak to the equanimity question, though, just having had the one.
 
Dad called on Saturday to let me know that he couldn’t find the best sellers’ list in the Globe. He asked me if I meant the Toronto Star, which they don’t get at his Kelowna retirement home. I clarified that, while it was also in the Star, it was definitely in the Globe, even the BC edition, and I knew it because my friend Susan had brought a copy over.
 
Turns out this is what I’m pretty sure happened: he found a previously-enjoyed copy of the paper in a lounge and went through it all, but the entire Saturday section on books was missing. Figures, huh? You screw up the nerve to brag about something to your dad and then you practically feel like you’ve lied ’cause he can’t find any evidence to back your claim! 
 
How old do you have to be before you stop trying to prove yourself to your parents? Asking for a friend. LOL
 
Have a great day and we’ll be back with you here tomorrow.
 

You probably know Arlene Dickinson: famous for her prominence on the Dragons’ Den panel, she’s about to embark on a new show on CBC (starting this Friday at 8:30 pm) called Under New Management, in which she “takes budding entrepreneurs on a life-changing journey of assessing businesses for sale and whether they are really ready, and have what it takes.”
 
She’s a fascinating follow on Twitter @ArleneDickinson. Seemingly daily she tweets something positive and reaffirming to jump start our souls and I appreciate her outlook and sincerity. But it was a tweet on Saturday that I read, related to and commented on that I thought you might find interesting here today.
 
She wrote:
 

 
I echoed her sentiments and then was pleasantly surprised when she responded.
 

 
But it was a tweet that followed that really stopped me in my tracks. Sophia @hoistingmysail wrote: “Girls, I can’t believe I’m hearing this from you both. You inspire so many to carry themselves like Goddesses no matter what! Please do the same too! You own it!!!”
 
As much as I’d love to believe what Sophia says (surely more applicable to Ms Dickinson than to me) there’s still that small but persistent voice, that insecurity that has always been there. It’s the voice of the tall, new kid in so many schools who never fit in with the cool girls, except now, some 40 years later, those girls have been replaced by the superbly coiffed and often gorgeous sales women in stores where I could afford to shop but simply won’t. Can’t. Why? Because, like Arlene, I could just be coming from a salon myself, or on my way to a special meeting, and I still would not feel put together enough.
 
I’d think of the fraying handle on my three-year-old purse or the salt lines on my well-worn boots; I’d know that my size body is probably “plus” in many of their fashion lines and that I wouldn’t spend that kind of money on designer clothes to begin with. For what? So I can wear it a few times in public and then retire it to the back of the closet where clothes from a life I used to lead all go to die? (I gave away almost all of those dresses and pieces before we left Toronto in 2016.) 
 
Because clothes shopping is not something I particularly enjoy, I’ve been lucky in this public life to have had the support of a couple of amazing women in the business. Freda Iordanous is owner of Freda’s on Bathurst near King and she always treated me kindly and with generosity when it came to dressing for television or borrowing a gown for a one-time special event.
 
Then, thanks to events I was hosting in York Region for Markham Stouffville Hospital, I had the wonderful help of the women at The One and Only boutique in Aurora (still my favourite store). I love going where there’s no judgment, the staff treats you like a friend or a sister, and they know what will look good on you before you even try something on.
 
If not for those women in those places, I think I would have been that same 15-year-old girl every time I looked at clothes, even today. I don’t go into the high end stores where you can sense the top to bottom once-over the moment you pass by. I’m reminded of the scene in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts’ call girl character is openly shunned by a snooty store clerk and then, of course, turns out to have a platinum credit card or something and surprises that nasty employee. Prejudices exist everywhere and, in the big picture, this one – real or perceived – isn’t really important.
 
It is, as Sophie pointed out in her tweet, something we should own. But I did find it comforting to know that a high profile business entrepreneur and media superstar like Ms Dickinson feels as I do. I’m much happier supporting the small store owner – a person who values her customers and treat us all equally, whether we’re sporting yoga pants and sneakers or toting a Louis Vuitton purse. (Hint: I’m the former.)
 
Oh, by the way, see the dress I bought in the Vancouver airport – not kidding – tomorrow on Cityline with Tracy Moore when I return to the place where the whole book adventure began. Might want to set the PVR today.
 

Ah, Monday. It’s been another unusual weekend of calls, texts and emails letting us know about the lists that Mourning Has Broken has landed on. Biggest news came Friday that we were #1 in Canadian non-fiction and #2 non-fiction (behind Ms Michelle Obama) on the Toronto Star list, as well as #1 in the Globe and Mail (Canadian non-fiction) and #3 in non-fiction. To say that this is unexpected is an understatement!
 
My friend Susan Knight, program director of Ocean 98.5 here in Victoria, came over for coffee on Saturday, holding a copy of The Globe and Mail and filled with questions about this entire experience.
 

 
Did I expect a best seller when I wrote it, she asked? I told her honestly that I always envisioned it going to the top but I never expected it. Does that make sense?
 
I’ve found the learning curve in this whole experience to be steep. For example, as one reader asked, what makes a best seller? How does one get on one list, for example, and not on another? Is it like a gold record in Canada versus one in the US? Are the sales numbers different? Again, no idea. I don’t want to bother anyone at the publisher with these questions but I’m sure eventually I’ll get the answers. (I did learn when I went in to sign some books in our local Sidney store, Tanner’s Books, that the sales in BC were strong. I was surprised by that, in that promotion here has been minimal so far.)
 
Someone else asked how one gets a book into the US. (That I don’t know, but the ball will be in HarperCollins’ court.) We’ll do everything we can to help spread the word of love, loss and reclaiming joy. 
 
Sometimes you have to do what you can to promote your own work. The author, podcast and CBC’s Under the Influence host Terry O’Reilly told me that you screw up your nerve, go into book stores and offer to sign your book, and I’ve been doing that in stores big and small. Only once (at the aforementioned Tanner’s) did the staffer to whom I spoke check the back flap to see if I was actually the person who wrote it!
 
I mean, I get that, and to be honest, found it funny that no one else had checked, including the friendly lady at Indigo in the Mayfair Mall here in Victoria! (I inscribed her 14 copies and let her decide whether the sticker “local author” or “signed by author” should be affixed to the cover.)
 
Our poor daughter-in-law Brooke, though. She was with me a week ago yesterday when we were in Barrhaven and I wanted to pop into the Indigo just a few doors from the spa we’d spent a few hours visiting. Because of a facial, I did not look – shall we say – camera ready, so I wasn’t going to offer to sign any books. Instead, I went to their best sellers’ shelf and searched for Mourning Has Broken.
 
Ah, there it was: on a shelf second from the bottom. Well, that was not going to do! After furtively checking for staffers (there was none), I took another book and the two behind it, and moved them down to where mine was, placing my book up on the second shelf where it belonged! Brooke was playfully mortified when she saw what I’d done and, laughing, we made our way out of the store.
 
Two days later, with a bit of time to kill before our flight, Rob and I stopped into the Indigo and yep – there it was – still on the second shelf! So I gathered the four remaining books, took them to the front desk and offered to sign them. The young woman behind the cash was excited and said, “Yes,” and to my delight, a woman who was in line at the store to buy a book asked if she could purchase one of my signed editions! Turns out she’s a librarian and was going to buy one anyway, but it just happened to be a bit of fortuitous timing. We even shared a hug.
 
Now I don’t know if this all sounds strange or like I’m on some ego trip (as my dad used to put it) or what, but I don’t really care. I’m enjoying the experience as best I can, as I’m pretty sure it’s not going to come again in this lifetime. It’s the culmination of a dream I never knew I had, out of a nightmare that we lived through. And if there’s going to be a silver lining, damn it, I’m going to embrace it. Because that’s part of the book: reclaiming joy. Have a gentle Monday and we’ll be back with you tomorrow.
 

I need to start today’s journal with an apology. If you’ve been among those who have written to share your personal story of loss, please know that I have highlighted your email and am taking the time to answer each one individually.
 
Because we’ve had a bit of a struggle getting back on our home footing – time zones, jet lag, appointments in particular and too many plates spinning simultaneously in general – I’m not answering my emails with the same speed that I usually strive for. But know that I am trying and will take time each day to do so. And thank you for understanding.
 
In addition to begging your patience, I need to take a moment to share with you some praise. First of all, if you were at any of the events in and around the GTA last week, I’m grateful to you for braving weather and other obstacles that could have kept you away.
 
I’ve heard from many who said they truly wanted to share some real face time and I get that; Mother Nature wasn’t nearly as cooperative as we wanted her to be. But my hope is that I’ll be coming back to Ontario in the next few months and I promise that I’ll keep you abreast of any such plans, so that if we missed meeting, we’ll have another chance when snow is just a memory and the only road worries are the usual traffic slowdowns!
 
I am also indebted to the interviewers who took the time to read my book and ask informed and caring questions. So far, nearly 6000 people have watched the chat that Maureen Holloway and I shared through CHFI.com last week and if you choose to spend some time with us there, you’re more than welcome to do so.
 

 
One of the funniest moments of that evening came when Mike Cooper, who was just popping into the theatre to check out the audience size, ended up being our “warm up” act. It was a delight – thanks Mike! And thank you to Rogers in general and Julie Adam in particular for having had my back for so very many years.
 
I’m beyond grateful for the support that 98.1 CHFI and 680 News gave to Mourning Has Broken and have no doubt they played a role in this book becoming a bestseller. (Friend and co-worker Steve Roberts was in two Indigos that had sold out of it; please don’t give up – there are more on their way. Amazon will be shipping my book in about a month and the good folks who print the books are working on getting them out as I type this, plus the audio book is also coming any day now.)
 
The myriad TV and radio hosts who delved into what cannot have been an easy topic for them to research and discuss are to be thanked as well. I tried to inject each interview with the appropriate amount of levity, just to let people know that the book wasn’t going to be one big tearfest and I think that my efforts were met with appreciation for the most part.
 
If you’re wondering when my chat with Tracy Moore of Cityline airs, that’s going to be later this month – perhaps next week – and the discussion I had with Marilyn Denis comes late in April. Again, I’ll be sure to keep you posted. Meantime, how much fun was CTV’s The Social? I’d love to go back and visit more often. Here’s hoping an invitation’s in the works!
 
Sweet Dina Pugliese cried as we talked on the BT couch, bringing many viewers to tears over their morning coffee. Marilyn and I connected in a way I’ve so longed to do (having been friendly competitors for decades, my attempts to have her on my little Rogers TV show were thwarted from on high, unfortunately, or we’d have crossed paths in front of a camera long ago). 
 
The interviews all went beautifully and I am grateful. I’m especially touched by the fact that, despite the obvious ROGERS tattoo that I’ve proudly (and metaphorically) sported for almost my entire career, my cousins at Bell Media – Lauren’s employer at the time of her passing – were more than generous with their support and air time.
 
I came away from last week’s media blitz with an affection for Ben Mulroney that I hadn’t had before; his tears as we chatted for etalk were genuine and copious (I don’t know if they’ll make it to air when the piece is broadcast) and he is a sweet, sensitive and genuine interviewer. I’m glad to have had that opportunity to get to know him, as well as to reconnect with Susan Hay at Global. I just wish my time had overlapped with that of Jennifer Valentine’s debut on the new Global morning show. How wonderful that she’s getting a chance to shine on camera again in the early mornings! As always, there’s bounty enough for all, right? 
 
So, I thank you today. For letting me share a little behind-the-camera and microphone gratitude with you and for your patience if you’re awaiting a response. I’m beyond touched that this book has resonated so deeply with people who are navigating the dark waters of loss and I respect the courage it took, in some cases, to write to me.
 
Be well, enjoy this weekend and I’ll be back with you Monday with a laugh. Me acting up in a bookstore, of course….