Erin's Journals

Just a thought…

As always, you can watch a video version of this journal on my Facebook page, or here on YouTube.

Welcome in to a special day in our lives: the day 31 years ago that Rob and I became parents to a wonderful little girl. 6 lbs 12 oz and three weeks early, we named her Lauren Dawn – the Dawn after my middle name and my dad’s first name (with a spelling variation), the Lauren because we had recently met a hauntingly sad little girl by that name. I thought it stood for strength and beauty, as in Lauren Bacall. Otherwise, she might have been a Carly, a Jessie or a Maddy.

Today we’ll go about our usual Thursday food deliveries, spend some time with our dear Mira and then come back and have birthday cake, as per Colin’s request. He’s asked for balloons, too, but we’ll see about that.

I’m talking about our girl today because I don’t mention her on the day she left us anymore; I’m not the only bereaved mom in the world and I don’t feel we deserve any more attention than anyone else. How my heart is heavy for the mothers and fathers who are losing their children every day – especially in the uselessness of war. So much waste, so much loss, so much sorrow.

But on this day, we are meant to celebrate. When everyone’s lives are filled with worry and sadness, illness and angst, isn’t it a choice to share a cake and light a candle for someone who brought us so much joy?

I could share pictures with you for hours, but none of them can even begin to tell you of the life in this girl. The “pure joy” that she expressed, literally, about becoming a mom, before what we believe to be the use of the drug Domperidone stopped that heart the night after her first mother’s day. She was taking it to breast feed and I will urge you to ask anyone in your life to get their heart tested before they take it. And yes, it’s still banned in the US. Here’s a link if you’d like to know more. 

Let me share a picture you probably have not seen before.

I was looking through travel pictures the other day for my St. Patrick’s Day blog and didn’t find one to use, but came across this one taken on the same trip of our Loo on a lake in Scotland. I hadn’t seen it since it was taken 18 years ago; she was 13 here.

We travelled a lot and take heart knowing we did all we could for our child to have a good life, just as any parent would. We gave her a good upbringing and, despite my faults, she ended up being level-headed, bright and, best of all, kind and empathetic. She was wise beyond her years, everyone who worked with her said, and I couldn’t agree more.

So here we are, another birthday without Lauren, and we are living the “at leasts” that we caution people not to use when talking to the bereaved. As I say in Mourning Has Broken, we are allowed to use those two potent words: at least we have our grandson. Lauren left us a beautiful baby boy who has grown into a strapping, handsome, smart and kind seven-year-old, thanks to his loving Dad and Brooke, the woman who took on the role of Mom so early in his life. We have a beautiful granddaughter that came to us by opening our hearts to that new family addition. And, miraculously, we have them living close to us. At least, at least, at least.

I rarely cry; if I do, it’s a few quiet tears when my mind takes a rest and my heart takes over. But I don’t mourn. We have wishes and regrets, but none of them about how she lived her life, or how we lived as a family. We are grateful forever and know that this is an agreement our souls made before she came. You may not believe in that, but everyone believes something different, don’t they? In my heart, I know it to be true and that our souls will dance again one day. And then we’ll travel together on to the next life, hopefully wiser for whatever it is we were to learn this go-round.

For Rob and for me, it’s all about being grateful and open to change and opportunity and ideas that maybe aren’t in the mainstream; being compassionate and holding on to the memories that warm our hearts instead of breaking them.

Like the day she arrived at St. Michael’s Hospital in Toronto, today, 31 years ago. And even today, Life is Good because we chose to make it so, just as she would want it.

Just a thought… For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don’t believe, no proof is possible. [Stuart Chase]

You can watch a video version of this journal on my Facebook page, or here on YouTube.

Hey – Happy First Full Day of Spring: a time of hope, of reawakening and of coming out of hibernation. Well, that’s where the “hope” part comes in, isn’t it?

Full disclosure: I’ve been feeling under the weather for the past week as my body adjusts to my surgery on the 10^th. Luckily, I booked last week off from any work and was able to just chill. This week ramps up a bit. I’m okay, of course; I keep my problems in perspective, given what’s happening to our sisters and brothers in (and who’ve fled) Ukraine. I may have fewer filters today is all.

Last Friday, Rob, our daughter-in-law Brooke and I went to a big grocery store, and noticed about half (or more) did not choose to wear their masks. Now, this store was in a densely populated city near Victoria called Langford, and it’s a far cry from the small spot we live near and shop at called Sidney. There, a large portion of the residents are seniors. And in the grocery stores a few days before our big city outing, Rob saw easily three-quarters of people choosing to wear their masks.

Moving from the oldest to our youngest citizens, March Break has just begun here. In Ontario, school is back today and the “to mask or not to mask” debate is a fiery one. I’m not going to get into it here; you know where you stand and nothing I or anyone else can say is going to change any minds at this point.

The other day I got an impassioned email from a woman who used to listen to me on the radio for years and had just found me again, imploring me to help her explain to her family why she’s right in believing in her “natural immunity.” She lamented that she’s lost friends and family connections.

I gave it a lot of thought, read it a few times over and then had nothing to say to her in response. No words. (And you know me – that’s unusual.) She’s seen the stakes and is still trying to rally people – even a virtual stranger like me – to her side. And honestly, why would I waste my time trying to change even one mind anymore? It’s not possible. I’m not an infectious disease expert; I haven’t spent my life studying viruses or the treatment of them. People believe what they want to believe, and it’s not worth getting that inevitable “I’m disappointed in you” (or worse) in response. So – and this is rare for me – I just hit delete.

I learned my lesson after a woman wrote to me two weeks ago to say she didn’t want anything in my journals that wasn’t positive and that I was surely losing readers. I went to respond to her with actual numbers, and – surprise, surprise – it came back “undeliverable.” The person who wrote it had given me a fake email address. So again, not worth my time.

We are all going through a LOT. Every single one of us. It’s up to us how we’re going to protect ourselves and that goes beyond the masking and other decisions that it seems have been passed across the table and into our laps.

The first thing to do is to give up being a keyboard warrior: stop trying to change minds that have been filled with “facts” that originated from unknown IP addresses and then spread like wildfire…or a virus. Covid isn’t done with us, no matter how much we want it to be. Being on guard is exhausting when every fibre of your being wants so much for it to be over and to throw off the masks like the overcoats and salty boots of winter. But just because the calendar says it’s spring, do we do that? No. Because we know better and we have learned from past experience.

My friend, take care of yourself. Just be careful. And don’t bother engaging. ‘Cause deleting can be good for your health, too. Stay safe, stay sane and I’ll be back with you here on Thursday.

Just a thought… I thought, instead of a quote, in honour of St. Patrick’s Day, I’d give you a little humour today – something that would have made my Irish-Canadian Grandad laugh. Two Irishmen are having a chat in the streets of Dublin, and one asks the other the quickest way to get to Cork. The other guy asks, “Well, are you driving or walking?” and the first guy says, “Driving.” And the second answers, “Well, that’s the quickest way.”

As always, you can watch a video version of this journal on my Facebook page, or here on YouTube.

Welcome in and a very Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you. Of course, with a name like Erin, you’d think I’d be celebrating a bit, but naw…just a quiet Thursday in our lives. And I’m okay with that. Quiet is good.

Last Friday when I had that dental surgery, it was recommended I keep talking to a minimum for three days. (I think it was probably one to begin with, but Rob tipped the receptionist.)

I don’t have any pictures of chipmunk cheeks or anything; no bruising or swelling. It’ll be another few months of missing molars and then I’ll get some implants. No, not the fun kind, just the teeth. And that’s about all you need to hear about that.

I will tell you about a few dollars I could have – should have – spent that could be saving me the cost of a basic subcompact car. And that’s this.

It’s just a piece of maleable plastic and you drop it in hot water, shape it to fit your upper teeth and then put it in at night. Here’s some added fun: finding it in the morning. Seems I like to take mine out while I’m sleeping, a practice that has occasionally, shall we say, come back to bite me in the butt.

Yes, there are real night guards and I have had a few of those (one which became a very expensive chew toy for one of our dogs, unfortunately) but with different work being done over the years, keeping up with the changes would have meant one new one after another.

I just wish I’d kept something in there. You may not think you grind or clench your teeth, and perhaps you don’t, but with the stress of the past few years, not just in our lives but in everyone’s, there’s a lot going on in our heads and our mouths that we can’t control.

I grit. I grind. I gnash. And that’s why my teeth paid the price. Maybe I shouldn’t have kept so much inside all those years, but you know how it is: be nice, don’t have an opinion and, whatever you do, don’t upset the apple cart. If you’re nodding right now, you get it; almost every woman our age has been there, done that, and in my case, got the receipts from rehab, shrinks and the LCBO.

Like I say, I wish I’d just kept up with the night time protection (and I know there’s a punchline in there, but I’m going to keep going). My 88-year-old dad credits his drug store mouth guard with keeping his natural chompers in great shape.

If we’re lucky, we don’t even think about our teeth. But when they give us trouble, just one angry tooth can demoralize you until you demolarize, if you get what I mean.

I hope that you have a gentle weekend and that if you are feeling stress, I’ve given you something to chew on, if you will.

Stay safe, stay sane and don’t forget we welcome spring on Sunday morning at 11:33 Eastern Daylight Time. And we don’t even have to touch our clocks to do it.

Just a thought… Hey, I know it’s Monday but it’s also a new day and a new week. And in that lies a new opportunity for something special to happen. [Michael Ely]

You can watch a video version of this journal on my Facebook page, or here on YouTube.

So, full disclosure: I shot my journal a few days ago as I underwent some dental surgery Friday. So, yeah, no popcorn for a while. Or ever. Thank goodness I still have my front teeth, but the three that were removed thanks to some root canal infections….I wish they each weighed about 10 pounds so I’d have something to be celebrating today.

Welcome to Daylight Saving Time. No, just the one S in Saving. It’s not a bank account. There. Got that out of my system. I want everybody to be happy today. And I’m borrowing from a bit that Seth does on Late Night with Seth Meyers where he shines a light on uplifting stories. With so much darkness and, yes – stupidity – in the world today, let me bring you a little levity. So here we go with:

There have been some incredibly sad stories out of Ukraine, but there are a couple of joyful ones that may have escaped your attention.

First off, did you hear about the woman who took down a Russian drone with a jar of preserves? Well, even if you did, I have some more details. See, there’s this woman and she hears a buzzing off her apartment balcony in Kyiv at dusk. Olena first thinks it’s an injured crow, but then she figures out what it is, not having seen a drone before.

She figures if she runs inside to get something to hit it with, it might be gone, so she picks up what’s handy: some preserves by her feet. She grabs, not a jar of pickles (which frankly sounds funnier because who doesn’t love the word pickle?), but lobs these tomato/plum preserves at the drone as hard as she can. Not only does she take down the drone, which she suspects is from Russian marauders, but later Olena and her husband go down and gather up the glass from the jar so no one’s dog steps on it.

Honestly – does Russia really think it can win in a country where a woman like Dead-Aim Olena is defending her home? Oh, hell NYET! Also, the Jays can use her arm when the 2022 season gets off the ground.

And THIS is the kind of story that’ll make your day.

A German multi-billionaire has rented three hotels at the Polish-German border for three months for Ukraine refugees. He’s turned meeting rooms into playrooms for children and kindergarten teachers. All meals will be covered, too: breakfast and supper buffets are included. And that’s another of the Kind of Story That’ll Make Your Day.

You can say, “Hey, that’s a drop in the bucket for these people,” and yes, maybe you’re right. But it’s a big drop in the right bucket. And these days, we’ll take what we can get.

Speaking of dropping, one more thing. Tomorrow, a new story drops on Drift, and in honour of St. Patrick’s Day, it’s an Irish take on the Cinderella story. Fair, Brown and Trembling is about three sisters and this one does not end how you think it will. That, I promise you.

Have a gentle week – hope you’re caught up on your sleep – and I’ll plan to be back here on Thursday.

Just a thought… The fact that suffering, mundanity and beauty coincide is unbearable and remarkable. [Mari Andrew @bymariandrew]

You can watch a video version of this journal on my Facebook page, or here on YouTube.

So heads up: I’m going to post a journal here Monday, but I wrote and shot it this week. Why? Because tomorrow I’m going for some dental surgery, so I’ll be talking, chewing and, well, doing everything more carefully over the next few days. If I swell up like I did with wisdom teeth removal, I’ll look like a chipmunk. I promise to take a picture, though, because I’m always good for a laugh, especially at myself.

You know it’s okay to laugh, right? That was one of the hardest things I had to practise after we lost Lauren – that laughing wasn’t disrespecting her or a sign that our devastation was anything less than total; it was us healing and living our lives in the best and fullest ways we could.

I tell the story in Mourning Has Broken of watching on the PVR the last week of David Letterman’s Late Show. He wrapped up his run there in May of 2015 and when we took a breath and finally got around to watching, Rob and I found ourselves laughing. And then looking at each other because it felt like screaming in church. Just so unnatural – and yet it was good. Like the first time you resume your sex life when you’re grieving. Yeah, it’s a thing. And if nobody is talking about it, they should. Don’t put pencils in your ears, I’m not going there. (That was for Brooke). But it’s part of life, part of going on. And besides, am I going to deprive Rob of all THIS? lol

So it was with interest that I came across an article on HuffPost.com that addressed the discord that I and so many others have been feeling over the past several weeks: how we go about with the joy in our lives when so many others are suffering (something to which I referred in Monday’s journal about our nature walk). But here are some things I think you’ll want to hear.

Guess what? Having guilt is a totally human reaction to the conflicts and pain in the world. I had it during Covid when so many families were separated, while ours came closer. So I get that in a deeply familiar sense (in more ways than one).

You may ask yourself “Am I being complacent?” “Am I doing enough?” and those answers are found in whatever you can do. Are you doing it? Perhaps you can’t afford to pay for a night or two at a Ukrainian Airbnb as thousands of Canadians are doing: renting rooms or homes they never expect to visit, just to send money to their owners. Brilliant! Maybe you’ve found a way to give – perhaps through listening to Drift with a Ukrainian folk story released on Tuesday, knowing that with every free listen, there is money going to Red Cross Canada. There are so many ways to give, to support and not everyone has the financial wherewithal to do that.

It’s okay to feel depressed about things in your own life, feel pain over an injury or joy over a new baby, when so many others are suffering. We are complex beings. We are able to feel more than one thing at once. It’s why I don’t get it when people are so adamant and angry about putting out Christmas decorations before November 11^th; veterans themselves have said that it’s fine by them for us all to feel joy and happiness. We can anticipate a happy event, while remembering and commemorating those who sacrificed. It’s why they sacrificed. But don’t @ me on this one: it’s not, to put it clumsily, a hill I’m willing to die on. I’m just pointing out how we are able to hold more than one thing in our hearts.

I feel brief waves of this with our vast love for Colin’s sister and his parents. Is it disloyal to Lauren to embrace Colin’s mom and her husband and their wonderful little girl? I mean, look at her.

Of course it isn’t. Have we forgotten our daughter? NEVER. But it is only right to recognize joy and be grateful for what we have, while also honouring and remembering what we lost. This is how we live our lives and respect those who have lost theirs. How we don’t crawl into the metaphorical grave with them. There’s plenty of time for that somewhere down the road. One tragedy doesn’t cancel out your right to feel sadness.

Maybe – just maybe – set against the darkest backdrop, we are meant to examine the perspective and be grateful for the moments that raise our hearts and spirits. Nothing is black and white and for us to miss the colours that are there is an afront to those who dream of seeing them again one day. It’s why this picture touched so many of us deeply: the hope and kindness of people who left strollers at a Polish train station, to be used by other mothers when they arrived.

#polishstrollers should be shorthand for who we are – the best and worst in us. We struggle. We roll on. We grow. We are grateful. We are human.