Erin's Journals

For most folks, today it’s “good riddance” to this month. But, honestly, I say good-bye to February with mixed emotions. I mean, sure, it included one of the best days and weeks of our lives, but hell – what is it with this weather? All we asked for, checked Farmers’ Almanac about, crossed our fingers and hoped was that the weather would somehow cooperate.
 
We got out to CTV in Agincourt for a visit with my dear friend Bev Thomson by 8:00 am. Bev is the most caring and sweet person and she was so engaging, having read the book, while remembering Lauren so fondly. 
 
That was the easiest part of our day. Then the snow kicked in bigtime. As we listened to 680 News for updates, hearing cancellation after cancellation, the knots in my stomach could have made for a macrame wall hanging. Whiteout conditions. Idiots taking unnecessary risks. No signs of plows. I miss Ontario – I miss you – but THIS? 
 
I’m not sure if my interview with Bev ran yesterday; the big stories were Michael Cohen, bad weather and, of course, the scummit going on in Vietnam. But it was a great chat with her, followed by a trip back downtown to the lakefront and the Corus studios for an interview with Global’s Susan Hay. I hope you saw it last evening. 
 
All went well and we made our way to First Canadian Place for a noon book signing at Chapters Indigo – I was so happy (as were organizers) with the number of folks who came by for a hug, a picture and an autographed book. So far so good, right?
 
Then came the big challenge: getting to Oshawa for the evening event. We were on the DVP forever (nearly two hours), weaving and fishtailing on HORRENDOUS “all season” tires that came with our rented Hertz KIA. The last car that was available when we landed at Pearson a week ago today, we were weaving all over our lane on the Don Valley. Very scary and not a snow plow in sight.
 
Last evening was my final GTA signing event for now and, despite the horrific weather that had hit us all yesterday, I was amazed to see a warm and wonderful (and given the snow, surprisingly large) turnout at the Chapters Indigo in Oshawa Centre.
 
By 9 pm, we’d wrapped it all up and it was off to the Sheraton Gateway to drop off the rental and grab a quick sleep before today’s 7am flight before a full day of interviews (and later book signing and interview with Ottawa Writers Festival). As we lay our heads down on our pillows at an airport hotel last night, I reflected upon something that happened yesterday at the book store at noon.
 
Besides having the honour and pleasure of connecting, hugging and talking with so many people, I had a private, special moment in the back room of the store before it all began. While I was signing books for people who had pre-ordered but couldn’t come to the event, a song came on the store PA. It was a tune I’ve never heard on the radio, a deep LP cut from the band Train called “Sing Together.”
 
This is the song from their CD California 37 to which Rob and I painstakingly put photos to play for my mother’s Momorial back in 2013. I hadn’t thought of Mom being with me on this journey, so immersed in my own motherhood have I been. But there was that song. And I knew she was just saying “hello” in her way.
 
I’ll be sharing a few more thoughts from this incredible week: so much has happened already and I haven’t had one minute to write in my personal, handwritten journal, never mind pick out a few moments that have stood out.
 
It’s been insane, but the feeling that has prevailed has been one, not of exhaustion (although there’s some of that), but of overwhelming gratitude for geting the chance to spread the message of this book. Of hope. Of “dancing with a limp.” Of one day smiling again. Through this book, Rob and I have found a purpose again. Life after life. And a feeling that it’s only the beginning. 
 
More from the road tomorrow. Now, who’s hungry? Here’s a link to my article this week for Walmart.
 

I don’t even know where to start.
 
As I write this, I have just finished two phone interviews (CKWS in Kingston and PostMedia with Kevin Connor) having changed clothes, re-upped my morning makeup and done three TV interviews all before 10 am.
 
I’m going to be picked up by noon, hit CTV for E Talk with Ben Mulroney, spend some time with the ladies of The Social (which aired at 1 pm yesterday) and then off to two events with Rogers including an Up Close & Personal with Maureen Holloway! That’s just today. My hope is for more than six hours’ sleep tonight.
 
It was a day I’ll never forget – it’s been a memorable week – and I hope to find time to pull out my handwritten journal to make notes that I can look back on when all of this slows down a bit. I’m prepared for the crash when Monday comes and we’re on our way back to Victoria (not literally, of course, but you know what I mean). 
 
Today, WEATHER PERMITTING ARGHHHHHHH!, we’ll do a morning visit to CTV in Agincourt for Bev Thomson, then back downtown to Indigo at noon (First Canadian Place) and on to Oshawa. Then we drive at 10 pm to the airport, drop off the rental and catch a few hours at the hotel there before a 7 am flight to Ottawa. 
 
Yep – I’m staying healthy. Tired, but healthy!!!!
 
I had to laugh yesterday. Two things jumped out at me. First, these Indigo sales rankings. I knew from visiting a store Monday that Mourning Has Broken would be placed on the Bestseller wall yesterday. As if that isn’t enough, I saw the Amazon online sales and…
 

 
Somewhere in there I sit next to Michelle Obama (in the second set of numbers). That’s enough for me. 
 
But what’s hilarious is that my friend Lisa sent me a notice she got, also from Amazon.
 

 
What do these books have in common? Well, silly, they’re all about my life! 
 
First, my book. Then A Girl Named Lovely, which is how I would describe Lauren. Finally, a book that describes me! LOL, I had to share that as I scurry around.
 
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a change of clothes to pack for my visit with Maureen (you’ll hear clips of it on the CHFI Morning Show today) and we’ll just keep going. My sweet and tough publicist Melissa just points us in the right direction and we get there on time and ready to shine.
 
Wow. I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to do this again, so I’m soaking it all in. Thanks for sharing the ride.
 
Oh, by the way, we’ve just learned that there are some tickets available for my appearance in conjunction with the Ottawa Writers’ Festival tomorrow evening. If you’re in the Ottawa area reading this (or within driving or train distance) you may be interested in this link. We’d LOVE to see you there and give you a big hug!
 
 

It’s here. Book Release Day.
 
It’s like a due date we thought would never arrive, but for which there have been Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks now – especially when I was hearing via social media that the books have been in stores like Costco (!) and Chapters Indigo for days now. A big, HUGE and sincere thank you to the independent book sellers who have supported this endeavour, especially Blue Heron Books in Uxbridge and A Different Drummer Books in Burlington. Every single person who has had faith in me – in us – and this book is to be thanked. Again and again.
 
You’ve heard me express gratitude to so many people, but really it’s you: every single person who wrote, who didn’t write but read, who tweeted, instagrammed and posted on Facebook. Your messages of support, both in the early days of our losing Lauren, and in the ensuing 45 months, have buoyed us up, brightened the darkness of our weeks and years and reminded us that love never dies.
 
That message – and you – are the reason that we wrote this book. I say “we” because Rob and I collaborated in terms of remembering and discussing, as Bob Seger wrote, “…what to leave in; what to leave out….” Dina Pugliese on BT yesterday said she needed more pictures (so she went to Google). I understand that. But we took direction from many people and cues from Phil about privacy and we included what we thought was right.
 

 
Rob was invited to join us on the couch for the last few moments, which was so nice. Dear Dina teared up – she’s such a beautifully sensitive and empathic soul – and we had a few laughs, too. I promise that the book is much the same.
 
Over the last few days, the incredible strength and vulnerability, the tears and pain of the loss parents, and those who’ve suffered bereavement in their own lives have been overwhelming. It’s only made clearer to me that writing this was the right thing to do: grief is so universal and yet so unique. No one has the timeline or the guideline by which to do it “properly”; there are no rules. There is only what is right for you. You’ll read much more in the book about what we’ve learned through our own journey but, more than that, through the stories of others. 
 
There is always, always hope. I say that because I mean it. “Joy” may be something that seems so completely out of reach and possibility, but we’re here to tell you – to show you – that it can be yours. There can be laughter. There can be life. It is, as the author Anne Lamott put it so beautifully, possible to “dance again – but with a limp.”
 
I’ll try to share some stories and a few pictures of gifts we’ve been so lovingly given over the past few days. If I try to include them all, I’ll miss some, I know. But the greatest gift has been your openness and compassion. That’s something we’ve learned about grief: it blows open your heart to the experiences of others and teaches you that, as Amanda Marshall wrote: “Everybody’s got a story that’ll break your heart.” 
 
Hearts mend. They do.
 
If you’re near a TV this morning, I’ll be visiting with Ben Mulroney on CTV Your Morning between 7:30 and 8:00 and Global Morning at around 9:20. I’ll be taping E Talk as well and visiting the ladies of The Social LIVE at 1:00. Hope to see you then! 
 
Rob and I are so looking forward to an evening at Rogers with an Up Close & Personal event hosted by my friend Maureen Holloway. It’ll be a wonderful chance to catch up with Ian, Gord and more of the co-workers I miss so much at CHFI. How lucky I am to be able to have kept in touch with them – and with you – over these past two years. Thank you for making Toronto feel like home once again.
 

I hope you had a safe weekend and managed to survive those nasty winds yesterday. Rob and I had the warmest welcomes imaginable at Wooden Sticks Golf Club on Saturday afternoon and yesterday morning; we must have spent a couple of hours signing books both before and after. Last night was a bit of a different experience in that the first of our two nights in Oakville met up with two obstacles: awful weather and a tight deadline. 
 
As last night’s event wrapped up, I had my eye on the long line of people I trust wanted to (and eventually got to) meet and hug and talk. But the other eye was on my watch, with worries about the 7 am call time for Breakfast Television. I get to be on their post-Oscar show today in the 7 am hour!
 
But here’s the thing: I chose to make this an airtight schedule because, when one Oakville event (tonight) sold out, I said “yes” to a Sunday one, even though the Blue Heron Books (at Wooden Sticks) was all carved in stone. Or wood. So this is my doing! But I wouldn’t have this any other way. 
 
I was reminded of the term that so many bereaved mothers use for themselves: “Angel Moms.” I have never considered myself an angel anything…but I found myself humbled to meet the teary-eyed women who formed such a strong support group for each other and came together to share in these early events for Mourning Has Broken. The hour I spent on stage was met with tears and lots of laughter – just as I wanted it. 
 

 
After being introduced Saturday and Sunday in Uxbridge by the talented best-selling (million-plus) author Susanna Kearsley, I asked anyone who had lost a child to stand if they were able. Some 20 did. Then I asked everyone who had suffered a loss close to them to stand. That number included almost everyone who was still seated. And finally, I said “Anyone who knows someone suffering a devastating loss, please stand.” As you can imagine, all were on their feet. And there were plenty of sniffles.
 
The numbers are staggering and truly you don’t know how many Angel Moms are out there. But I do. I talked with them, we hugged, they teared up and we held hands. I listened to their pared-down-for-time stories of loss and love and sadness and recovery and could have stayed for hours. Maybe I’ll get a chance to do that one day. I would be honoured just to listen.
 
There were so many gifts (more about them later). We received cards and yellow roses, but most of all, the gift of these people’s time. These women and, yes, a few men, who joined us to laugh, to ask questions, to just share some time.
 
One of the greatest gifts of the past few days has been the chance to visit with dear friends: on Thursday it was with sweet Helen, our dear friend, then dinner at Benihana at the Royal York that night with Mike. We were having such a good time that I thought it would be appropriate to buy dinner for the mother-daughter pair from Ottawa who shared our cooking table. It just felt right on so many levels…
 

 
Friday night after a busy day of shooting back-up video for The Marilyn Denis Show (I tape our interview today and it airs April 26 – not a typo) and CityLine with Tracy Moore (airing March 13), we got together with Allan Bell, the longtime friend who’s truly our family’s angel in so many ways. We awoke to a beautifully and caringly written piece in the Toronto Star by Paul Hunter. Rob and I were touched and grateful. 
 

 
And later, the icing on the day’s cake (if I’d had time to eat any) was the pure joy of seeing my longtime broadcasting sister and friend Lisa Brandt at Saturday’s event. We shared dinner later and she has written her blog today about us. 
 
Thank you to New York Times bestselling author Susanna Kearsley for the wonderful interviews through Blue Heron Books in Uxbridge. I will bring you pictures as the week goes on when my editor (er, Rob) has a moment more to breathe. But today was a race against the clock and if I look tired today on BT or tomorrow – Tuesday – on CTV Your Morning (to air late in the 7 am hour) or at 8:30-ish on CP24 or just after 9:00 am on Global Morning, I hope you’ll forgive me.
 
I’ve more visits to make (live) tomorrow and I’ll fill you in later. There will be plenty of time to sleep next week – right? See you today on BT (or vice versa) and tonight in Oakville!
 

It’s here. I’m here. Back in the 416. We’re about to begin a brand new adventure, you and I, and we can hardly believe it. (And yes, things went way more smoothly between Victoria and Toronto than they did from Palm Springs!) 
 
As the pre-interviews and tapings begin today, it’ll be a blur of lashes and concealer, time cues and questions. I don’t think I’ll cry during any of these interviews; I’ve managed to package my pain in a very special box that I rarely open (at least intentionally).
 
When The Marilyn Denis Show revealed her son Adam and daughter-in-law’s baby’s gender on Monday, I cried with joy watching her. Next week I’ll have a chance to hug my radio friend and congratulate her in person: a granddaughter on the way, a new husband and life full of happiness. Who could hope for more? It turns out the interview will air April 26th, but Marilyn has graciously adjusted her vacation schedule to tape with me on Monday.
 
Today, I’m paying sweet Tracy Moore a visit as we shoot a Cityline episode to air on March 13th (again, she’s adjusted her schedule to accommodate me).  It was on Tracy’s show that this part of our story began: as I’ve told you here, it was on my final radio show day in Dec. 2016 that I was a guest of Tracy on her show (which we’ve seen in the US, too, by the way). Iris Tupholme, SVP of Publishing for HarperCollins Canada, happened to be on a “girls’ day” with her sisters in the audience. It was Iris who reached out and said, “I think you’ve got a book in you.” 
 
There is NO way I would have written this book – never mind trying to shop it to publishers and risk repeated rejection – without Iris’ encouragement and gentle, firm guidance. It’s been a true HC/Real Family team effort and Rob and I will always, always be grateful.
 
Yesterday we had a wonderfully warm afternoon reuniting with our friend dear Helen (who turned 89 last December) and last evening with my beloved Mike Cooper. Once again, it was a blurry blend of tears and laughter and, of course, the amazing Sam, who is such a friend to Debbie and Mike that he came to her memorial. 
 

 
Today we’re getting our body clocks turned around and gearing up for a big, big weekend. We’ve been told that my interview with Paul Hunter of the Toronto Star will go live on thestar.com as of 5 am, and is also scheduled to be in the Saturday paper. Tomorrow, my first official event happens, as Blue Heron Books hosts a weekend of events at Wooden Sticks Golf Club. I can’t wait to talk, to sign and to hug. I’m going to try my best to be present. 
 
I shall not walk this way again and this is a moment that some people live their lives dreaming of: a book launch. I never had the audacity of hope in that regard (I always had lofty broadcasting dreams, though) and this is something that I do not take for granted. It’s just…taking it in. I have to do that. Breathe. Sleep. Repeat. 
 
And I need to ask you this favour: because so many people have reached out and made a connection with me in the last 16 years of writing this journal, the 30 years in radio and the past two years of renewed and even new contact, I will not remember every story. When we meet, please say, “I’m Janice – I lost my dad last year and we wrote back and forth…” or “I’m Sharon. I put the brick in Lauren’s name in Orillia.” If you say, “Remember me?” I’ll just ask you to help me. So I’m asking now. 
 
I wish I’d made lists and kept details straight, but I don’t think I believed we’d ever really get a chance to meet. Please help me with your name and how we know each other and we’ll go from there. Thank you for understanding. The signings are going to be a blur. I’m going to want to spend as much time with everyone as I can, while also worrying about those people waiting patiently in line. I’m new at this and we’ll all figure it out together, okay? Thank you again!
 
After a second event in Uxbridge Sunday for Blue Heron, onward we go to Oakville Sunday night and, oh, yes, the PVR is set for the Oscars this Sunday. Please don’t tell me who wins ’til I get home March 4th. LOLOLOL. Like I could miss it!
 
A couple of notes: I’ll be on Citytv’s Breakfast Television on Monday in the 7 am hour (probably around 7:20) and then I go on to tape Marilyn. Tuesday is jam-packed with live appearances on TV and at Rogers, so I’ll be sure to fill you in on Monday.
 
If you’re coming to the CHFI event on Tuesday and plan to buy a book, I’m told they take major credit and debit cards, tap and cash. (A winner asked, so there you go!)
 
If it sounds like a whirlwind, it is. In between the things I’ve told you about are pre-tapes, a meeting and taping with a charity that helps bereaved children, podcast interviews and, next week, a series of CBC radio interviews to air across the country next weekend. 
 
Forgive me if this is all too much – I understand if it is and will ask you to bear with me, as this won’t last more than two weeks, I promise. But this is a week I’ve been preparing for, seemingly, forever. To every palm reader, psychic, listener or friend who said, “You’ve got a book in you,” I say, thank you. To Rob who asked, “Are you really sure you want to do this?” I say thank you for putting aside your worries about me and your own pain, and diving in with me as we rode out these waves of grief and remembrance together.
 
Hopefully this book will bring people like us – anyone looking for light – to a shore where they can look back in love and gratitude and look forward to a life where, yes, the sun shines again, laughter fills the air and the vision of the future continues to widen and brighten in ways we didn’t think would be possible ever again.
 
Here we go, my friend. Here we go.